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Emotionally Detached
Natasha Zainall March 26, 2013 1
Be warned: This post is going to be lengthy and slightly, awfully emotional. I think.
It is hard to rate though, since I, myself, do not feel anything about this whole situation. But, I feel the need to let it out so people get the story from my side.
I find the song Battlescar by Guy Sebastian is coincidentally fitting for him and the position I put him in. I even told him to listen to it and relate himself to the lyrics, so he can come to his senses and let me go.
_____________________________________TASHA_____________________________________
Never once in my life had I ever imagined myself as a merciless person.
Or even thought that I was capable of causing excruciating pain to the person,
who used to hold my heart, oh so dearly.
Apparently, I am.
I broke him. I decapitated him. I made him loss all his faith in a girl. I destroyed him.
And all because I do not feel we are compatible anymore.
I did not expect things to turn out like this because in my mind, our life would be full of bliss.
But, people grow up, priorities change and life is no longer a playground for people of our age.
This is reality and it is far from Wonderland nor Neverland- it is the real deal.
When I was with you, every day was partially perfect and it felt almost right.
I fought the storm and turbulence of emotions,
I ignored the small evil voice within me,
and I chose to stay with you regardless of it all.
Because I was hoping, we could last and grow old together like how we imagined.
Because I was selfish and petrified to let our four years relationship go to waste.
But deep down inside, I know the time had arrived.
Our hearts and bonds had been breached.
This life of ours, I could no longer lead.
We had experienced both good and bad; ups and downs.
And for all the memories we shared, I will always be glad.
You, indirectly, helped me to develop the person, I am today.
You, despite being a stubborn and hot-headed person,
treated me like I was a Crown Princess,
tolerated me and my, sometimes, childlike behaviour.
I am all grateful for that.
However, as I once said before, "love itself isn't enough".
I can't say I was always unhappy with you,
because there were points in my life where you were the pop to my tarts.
You made me content.
The old, naive, understanding, dispassionate, college girl, me.
I guess you could say the saying, "people change" is true.
I have changed over a year.
I have moved two steps ahead since graduation.
I have wised up and seen clear visions of how life should be lead.
I have motivations and goals set in life.
I am ready to embrace and conquer the world.
I am ready to have the greatest in life.
But, you have not, you are not.
And you do not want to.
I cannot be with someone who does not understand my career,
who finds that being mature and growing up is a joke,
who feels that career women have ego as high as Mount Everest,
who, indirectly, asks me to choose between him and my late grandfather,
who has negative thoughts of my mom, of my uncle, of my family. Of me.
For that, I truly am sorry I left.
I have reached this fragment of life, which I feel the need to move on and have my freedom again.
I want to experience what life has to offer without you holding me back.
I want to lead a healthy life, where I will not be reprimanded as if I were two.
I want a stable relationship, which give and take occurs.
I, for once, want to be the woman in a relationship.
My leaving had nothing to do with a third person or whatnot, but because both of us were not happy anymore. We were just two casts on the stage, putting on fake smiles, acting as if we were all happy,
but the truth was, we were far from it.
Maybe some day down the lane, our paths will intertwine, when that time comes, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and perhaps, we could start over and be friends.
Wishing you all the wonderful and amazing things in life.
_____________________________________TASHA_____________________________________
Sincerely sorry and speedy recovery,
Natasha Zainal
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Hang dah lame ke dah xsama dgn dia (sebuk je nk tahu).
haha
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